Shag Marry Avoid: Greece edition
Shag Marry Avoid: Greece edition
Ngl this gets quite weird. But don’t tell me you wouldn’t shag a Greek island if you could.
Hey ppl. Hope life is good. Heard you had a heatwave?! Although have also received reports of rainfall/generally quite crap weather. I actually miss grey skies, if you can believe it. Sunshine day after day is a bit relentless. I have that very British affliction of feeling like you have to really make the most of good weather whenever it appears - by having picnics and playing tennis and swimming in lakes full of duck poo, when all you really want to do is sit on the sofa and watch old episodes of Succession. But we all have our crosses to bear.
Anyway, it sounds like you’re all in need of some proper skin-sizzling sunshine, in which case I really would recommend hopping over to Greece, where it’s currently so sweltering that the PM has declared a work hiatus between the hours of 12 and 5PM to prevent people from actually bursting into flame. Ikr - heaven! Plus, as luck would have it, I am replete with recommendations.
Our time in this magical land of feta and fried zucchini is coming to an end (I am writing this en actual route to Albania), so I wanted to impart my wisdom while it’s fresh in my mind. (By “wisdom” I obviously mean very limited knowledge of the select places we have visited) (but that’s honestly more than the desk-bound journalists who pen those erroneous “Top 10 Greek Holiday Spots” articles can say) (and I am saying that as one of them).
Instead of all that, I’ve divvied this post into the specific areas where we’ve actually been - and (now this is where it gets a bit weird) turned it into a classic game of Shag Marry Avoid - just to, you know, keep the format fresh. You don’t get this kind of creativity in the Sunday Times travel supplement, let me tell you.
The Saronics
If you’re new to the Greek islands (seriously wtf is ur problem?) the Saronic islands of Aegina, Agistri, Hydra, Spetses and Poros are imo a vg place to start - situated just south of Athens so extremely easy to reach from the mainland. The big question is: which is most shaggable?
SHAG: Look, I know it’s not original, but given the choice I would definitely have it off with Hydra. I have been fully seduced by its white-washed streets, sweet little restaurants and enchanting if slightly chaotic harbour. Lovely shops too, if you enjoy spending €70 on a cotton moo-moo (which I do). And that’s not to mention its rock n roll connections. Only downside is that it’s full of Londoners swanning about in moo-moos, reciting the poetry of Leonard Cohen and practically fainting every time they see a cat (hi). Thinking about it, I wouldn’t mind a quickie with nearby Spetses either - and would recommend doing them both on the same trip if you have the stamina.
MARRY: It’s certainly not as seductive as Hydra, but I reckon Agistri and I would muddle along pretty well together. It’s a tiny island (about a mile long) that’s conveniently close to Athens, with a quaint little marina full of colourful fishing boats - plus a lovely promenade that stretches from one side to the other, ideal for romantic sunset strolls. Swoon!
AVOID: Aegina is Agistri’s larger, louder neighbour - and if you own a mega yacht and/or enjoy enormous portions of average-tasting moussaka, this is the place for you. Personally, I like my moussaka more delicately dispensed (although wouldn’t say no to a mega yacht). That’s not to say that this island doesn’t have its merits: there are lots of stands selling pistachio products, alongside an extremely friendly old woman who sells fruit by the waterside. I mean, don’t get me wrong - she will totally rip you off, but she will do it with a smile and a twinkle in her eye.
The Sporades
Heading north now - to the pine-fringed Sporade isles, which I found to be significantly less mosquito-infested than their southerly counterparts. Most people fly direct to Skiathos, which I’m told is quite fun (and only a bit terrifying) thanks to the extremely short waterside runway, which does - for a few seconds - make landing feel as though you are actually about to die. If you don’t die (you probably won’t) you can hop on a boat to the other islands - one of which, Skopelos, is the backdrop to the most romantic movie moment of ALL TIME (which makes sense if you’ve read this post).
SHAG: This is tough. I would very much enjoy - and indeed have enjoyed - a romantic frisson with any and all of these islands. But if I were to take one as a lover, it would surely be Alonissos. It’s quite coy and quiet at first, with sweet little tavernas peppering the waterside. But it also has a wild side, with rocky outcrops, pine forests and pebbly beaches. Also some vg cats.
MARRY: Guys, this isn’t a game anymore: I am seriously considering popping the question. Skyros is everything I’ve ever wanted: secluded beaches, perfect tavernas, a dreamy cliffside bar and a heavenly chora. And that’s without even mentioning the disco showers(!). The one hitch is that (unless you have a mate with a boat - hi), you can’t reach it from Skiathos. Instead, you have to take a ferry from Evia, near Athens. But the ferry really is part of its charm. Oh have I mentioned the ferry before? Sorry, I’m just so madly in love!!!
AVOID: This game is mean. I don’t want to avoid any of these islands. But ok fine, if push came to shove I’d stand up Skiathos, which is a little bit noisier than its neighbours (but absolutely charming in its own special way). Maybe I wouldn’t quite stand it up. I’d definitely use it for its (incredibly conveniently-located) airport. And adorable outdoor cinema (which almost exclusively plays Mamma Mia). And perhaps I’d just nip into the v nice restaurant at the top of the hill for a mezcal marg. Then go for a quick gyros. Also, Charlie’s mum likes to rent a quadbike and zoom off to the beach which does sound quite fun. But then that’s IT, I’m out of there.
The Peloponnese
The home of ancient Sparta and Olympia - and the very birthplace of European history, the Peloponnese is also home to some really quite beguiling beaches. Not technically an island (it’s the bit at the southern tip of Greece that’s shaped like a claw - meow) but there are a couple of great islands in its grips: namely Kythira (which, alas, we ran out of time to visit but is meant to be right nice) and Elafonisos, which I would definitely…
SHAG: No contest. This idyllic isle is home to (and I do not say this lightly) the most beautiful beach I have EVER seen. EVER! (And I’m not being funny but I have actually been to the Seychelles). I quite literally gasped when we reached Simos, which is really two bays connected by a white sandy spit. Like, it literally took my breath away. It’s not exactly untouched (ngl I counted more than one pedalo) but it’s SO spectacularly sexy it doesn’t even matter.
MARRY: I’d both marry and get married at Monemvasia (Charlie honey hope ur taking notes). It’s THE most extraordinary Medieval fortress - quite literally carved into a rock - connected to the mainland by a narrow ribbon of road. The houses were built in the sixth century and many are still inhabited today, so it feels like a real-life model town. There’s also an impressive church at the very top of the rock which requires a fair bit of scrambling to reach and is therefore quite secluded - although extremely scenic. Actually a great spot for a proposal imo (ahem).
AVOID: Ok so, I wouldn’t totally avoid Methoni. It’s home to an extremely grand Venetian castle that sits right on the shore - and boasts a vg moat if moats are your thing. Also, if you have dinner in the little square, you may well be treated to a local man playing the mandolin and simultaneously operating ankle bells(!). But rules are rules and I have to avoid something.
The Ionians
Stretching from the southern tip of the Peloponnese to the Albanian coast, this group of islands includes Kefalonia, Zakynthos, Ithaca, Paxos, Lefkas and Corfu. We (sob) ran out of time to explore them all, but being a stalwart Durrells fan (iukuk) I am tempted to marry Corfu even though I have never actually been (arranged marriages do have a lower divorce rate don’t they?!).
SHAG: Lefkada and I have a love-hate relationship. Chazzle and I were marooned in its marina for the last week of the trip while the Turtle’s engine was being repaired. Still, we had a great time: Charlie running around to all of the chandleries looking for extremely niche engine parts and spending hours in the port police waiting room for our passports to be stamped, while I fulfilled my destiny as a nomadic freelance journalist (sat in air-conditioned cafes drinking freddo cappuccinos). We also discovered the local tennis courts and Sophia, who runs them, who kept saying “YOU CRAZY!” (but in what we think was an affectionate way) and - when I asked if she wanted to follow my blog - replied: “No. I am human, not computer”. What a place!
MARRY: Seeing as Corfu wants nothing to do with me, I’ll happily settle for Kefalonia. I have dreamed of visiting this island ever since I read Captain Corelli’s Mandolin aged 14. When I told Charlie this, he replied: “But Saz, you already have visited Kefalonia, on a sailing trip like five years ago”. This was news to me (in a previous life I was quite a passive sailor) but all I can say is I was delighted by this island on second (first?) visit. The bluest of blue water and the most perfect little beaches with neither pebbles nor sand, but those sort of lovely flat stones that are a dream to lie on. This experience was only slightly marred by mooring up in the town of Simi - and accidentally pulling up the anchor of an unfriendly German man who rebuffed us when we tried to offer him an apology beer. We also visited an eerie cave with a lake in it where, for €10, a nice man will row you around on a little boat and point out all of the absolutely enormous eels in it, before suddenly bursting into song.
AVOID: Look, I’m going to level with you, we spent a night in Zakynthos (street name: Zante). What can I say? I was intrigued. Tried to persuade Chazzle to go on a banana boat or a booze cruise or at the very least take a spin around the strip - but it was a hard pass, so I had to make do with a stroll around the island’s marginally classier marina area (where we still managed to spot a teenager vomming over the harbour wall - happy days).
Greece, eh? What a smouldering seductress. I really thought we could have had something special. Sadly, after two heavenly months together, it cruelly ended things - with the port police threatening banishment from the EU if we overstayed our allocated 90 days. So, we had to up and leave - without even having visited the Cyclades or going on a booze cruise. But the course of true love never did run smooth. We’ll be back together some day soon - and next time there will be an actual (big fat) wedding. Failing that, I am definitely - one hundred percent - going on a banana boat.
Port police, always the buzzkill.
Very educational, have learnt what ngl and iukuk mean!
Good luck with the wed…I mean Banana boat x